getting started is the hardest part

Wow! I've wanted a record of this whole investigative process but keep writing in different notebooks. The goal is to assemble all past, present and future thoughts, feeling, ideas and information so I can look at this thing as a whole instead of current, fragmented parts. What thing? Well, this very frustrating thing called being a mom of a special needs child. Yes, I understand that the whole 'mom' thing is frustrating in general! I have four kids of various ages and stages. This particular frustration comes from having an undiagnosed multi-symptomed beautiful child who has few noticeable physical oddities, yet is handicapped in several ways. The frustration comes from knowing that your beautiful child longs to have meaningful relationships yet doesn't understand how (and others don't understand her). That she desires to learn but has too many obstacles and just shuts down...feeling as if the effort is just too much for the small return. The frustration comes from paying a fortune for doctors, tests, and so called experts who can't recommend a next step. The frustration comes from therapists who can't help fully because they get little cooperation from your child (YES! That's part of the whole darn problem!). The frustration comes because I'm a mom who has learning and social issues of her own and doesn't feel equipped to navigate this crazy medical system that has to have a diagnosis box to check when there's no clear box for my daughter. The real frustration comes because each year Mackenzie gets older, is farther behind, and I have no clear answers as to how to help her; and I see her becoming more depressed and hopeless. I have to go help her wash her hair.