What happened?

Really a bad focus day. Red cheeks, irritable, tired. Unmotivated. Picked on both brothers. Not a happy day. She did come up with a unique solution to finish her Unit projects which I allowed for two reasons. First, she was solution oriented which I LOVE. Second, she was having a really bad day. Really. OK. There's a third reason. I had to finish up an order for tomorrow and it was easier to let her be productive doing something rather than throwing a fit over doing things the way they were 'supposed' to be. After all, isn't that the beauty of homeschooling? Flexibility? Anyway, I wonder what that was all about. I got the new enzymes in the mail today. That was fast. I payed for the slowest shipping. These are supposed to help with phenols and gluten digestion. We'll see how it goes. Tomorrow I have lots to do but I have to make it a special Unit Celebration or we'll never finish any others! I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I think I'll go sleep on it!

Almost finished!

We are cleaning up a Unit Study this week. Even in her current state Kenzi pushed through and was able to complete a few things we missed this unit. It probably helped that it was a hands-on project reviewing something familiar. More to do today...plus running errands. I hope to complete this unit and have a celebration on Friday. My plans mean nothing, though. Next best will be to finish Monday and celebrate on Tuesday. She has to present before her dad and brothers for a final, using her 'lap board'. This is a really cool and effective tool. A compilation of small booklets and mini reports on a fold out notebook that she adds each time a new concept or theme is learned. It gives her a visual to remind her of what she can accomplish...plus it's a way to present without much talking! Her reading is improving. Even though she couldn't remember her alphabet yesterday, she was able to read some math jokes! Funny thing, she's been making jokes of her own lately. They usually wouldn't make sense but these are actually brilliant! I have to go check her room and begin school. Hopefully, a good report will follow!

The day after

I forgot to mention that there was not a lot of drama on the day after the fireworks! We did have a bridal shower early afternoon and she was a little tired...but it was NORMAL! Kenzi says she feels different. I think the heavy metal detox is helping. That's the only change for now along with the probiotics and fish oil. We should begin neurofeeedback either this summer or in the fall. We're on the wait list. Did I mention she pulls chunks of hair out of her head? I think she's still doing this. I don't know how to help. We offered to let her get a color extension if she lets it grow out and stops pulling. She's so fascinated by her older sister's friend in hair design school!

I'm watching for any signs of regression in her schoolwork today. That will be a true indication of whether she's improving or not. Also, her attitude toward her brother. I will start slow and see if I have an opportunity to push forward a little. I don't want to rush things but I'm hoping to be able to get beyond some of the basics. off I go!

We made it!!!

Yea! Thunder is behind us and I'm happy to report that all is well. Surprisingly, our little spot was perfect for us! We were in the area where the news channel was producing so it was not noisy, smelly, crowded or structured. We were able to roam about freely and had plenty of space. Passes to the hotel next door gave us the ability to go inside (& also NOT have to use the Thunderpots!) and we mixed activity with down time. I brought enough snacks to keep the kids from wanting the funnel cake (which dad had to have) and we found a few things we could eat there...including smoothies made without dairy!! That was a highlight. There were spinning rides and bouncies to give Kenzi some input she needed and she could focus on taking pictures...which she's becoming quite good at...to keep her sense of self in the crowd. It was a gorgeous day with cloud covering that kept the heat down and even though it was crowded, we weren't a part of the crowd for too long. What we didn't have a plan for was what to do if your four year old gets lost in the elevator of a twenty-four floor hotel!

We had a time trying to find the entrance to the news production area. I was loaded down with a stroller full of chairs and supplies, and dad was also carrying 2 chairs. We walked several blocks from the car to the hotel and needed to be on the second floor to get to the right entrance. So we waited in a fairly short line to board one of four elevators. Security was filling them pretty full since they were old elevators that took a long time to get to the top and back. It was hard for them to keep the doors open long enough for people to exit and enter...one guard was telling me how he almost lost a finger trying to keep the doors from closing. And as he finishes the elevator opens, empties and closes again before he can catch it and it goes up empty! So we catch the next one and they pack it as tightly as possible with absolutely no personal space at all. We get to the second floor, we're in the very back and trying to get through...no one wanted to step off for fear of not getting back on! I'm trying to maneuver the full stroller, make sure one of my sons next to me gets through and the door closes behind us. Hubby and Kenzi were waiting but there was no Sam. Where's Sam? I ask, thinking he ran ahead. The panic in hubby's eyes was not a good sign. We turn and look at the elevator and it is on it's way up again. Hubby runs up the stairs to the next floor. I leave the kids with strict orders to stay and go back down to the first floor. I alert the elevator security guard and he has no idea what to do. I go to the service desk and ask for help and they call security. I wait for the same elevator to return hoping that maybe he stayed on. It returns empty. Meanwhile, people see my state of panic and try to encourage me. thank you nice people. I have my phone which happens to have a picture of Sam crying (his brother took it earlier) and show it to the elevator security and anyone else around as I wait for the hotel security who was supposedly summoned...although I could hear the clerk calling it was clear she wasn't getting any answer. My phone reminds me that I need someone to pray. I know my adult daughter is on her way to the fireworks so I text a quick message. Pray...we lost Sam. I didn't have time to talk to anyone but I knew someone should be praying. In hindsight, I didn't think about the impact those words might have! I just had to do something quickly and that was a familiar number to dial. I decide to join hubby in searching each floor. My plan is to board the same elevator and stop at each floor. I wait and the elevator opens. I notice a family that shared the elevator earlier and ask if they know what happened to Sam. There he is in the arms of the mom! We make eye contact and we both begin to cry. I take him and hold him for a long time. The whole time he was lost all I could think about was the dream he shared earlier. It must have scared him because he told me the dream once and reminded me again later. The night before he had had a dream that someone stole me from him! I couldn't help but think how scared and lonely he must have felt. And it reminds me that we need to make the most of each moment since we really don't know how many of them we may have. It also reminds me that I spend so much time and energy planning for the many 'what ifs' of autistic spectrum disorder and sensory integration dysfunction that I miss what's going on in the now. I want to be wholly present with each of my kids. How do you find the balance? Anyway, that's a question for later. I just want to enjoy the memories of our successful day; despite the drama. At least the drama had nothing to do with Kenzi! God is faithful. Sam is safe. All the kids had a great time.

Saturday

I'm not looking forward to Saturday. Well, I am but I'm not. It can go either way. I usually need to do a lot of preparing for what's going to happen and I can't. We are going to a major event in our town which includes lots of noisy aircraft, fireworks, tons of people, and bringing my own food for the day. But that's the easy part. The unknown is that we are going to be in VIP seating with people we don't know...who also don't know us; we don't know what to expect, will there be food? are we close to any live music or speakers? is the noise level going to be higher? are the smells going to be smellier? will there be a quietish place to escape if needed? will we have enough food to keep temptation away? will it be weird to have our own food because it's catered? will there be any news people or photographers (please NO)? will anyone expect Kenzi to talk to them? Will we be able to leave early if she or any of the other kids have a melt-down? will my husband expect them to be 'socially acceptable' and try to force them to shake hands and talk to strangers? will I have to explain strange behaviors?
I honestly don't know what to expect and I don't know how to 'coach' except to possibly coach the hubby into knowing when it's time to leave...before it's already too late. It's hard when your hubby grew up with such strong 'social' expectations and also likes the privelege of sitting in VIP area. He wants the kids to understand that Daddy is giving them a 'great' experience. He mostly doesn't get that the issues our kids have (especially Kenzi) are not necessarily within their realm of control. That's when things really go south. Kids are melting down and he explodes and I just want it all to go away. Why, after nine years can't he understand at least slightly that we have to make allowances? Honestly, I'm not a pandering mom. Really. My favorite expression is "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I'm a huge fan of letting the kids learn through natural consequences. I'm also not a 'peace at any cost' person. I am a planner, though, and I feel that you should have a backup plan or two if needed. Hubby on the other hand has a one-track mind. "I paid for these tickets, the kids should enjoy it and we are going to stay until it's all over. Why can't these kids learn to enjoy it? It's all your fault, you make too many excuses for them." Ugh. It can be really lonely when you are the only responsible person. I'm often accused of not being able to be spontaneous. Spontaneous? You mean like not having food choices when we're out so the kids are forced to eat questionable foods which make them have hives, rashes, temper tantrums and unreasonable behavior , stomach aches, vomiting,and diarrhea for 3-4 days? Or maybe spontaneous as in not making sure we have ear plugs in case the sensory overload takes over and my grown up looking child covers her ears and starts crying uncontrollably? perhaps spontaneity involves not having discussed with Kensi what the options are if she suddenly feels overwhelmed and needs to escape before she totally loses it? I have certainly turned into a control freak...no doubt about it...but what choice do I have? once one of the kids has a meltdown, all the others follow and then hubby is exploding in a loud fit of his own. honestly, sometimes I just want to laugh because it's so dramatic and hysterical! If it weren't really happening to me. Instead,I have to maintain composure so I can magically calm down hubby first, then the easiest to most difficult child of that day. On the other hand...if I can manage to predict the day and be prepared for anything...this could be a very satisfying and magical moment with my family! If I can be sure that no food restrictions are overruled by Dad, that everyone has had plenty of rest, that the understimulated one has enough stimulation and the overstimulated one has a chance to recover; that I bring enough snacks so that temptations are minimized, that Dad isn't tempted to 'let them be kids', that we have a place of escape if needed, that we can move if it's too smelly, that it's not too loud, too itchy, or too crowded where we are; if Dad can refrain from trying to use his kids to make him look good, if Mom can keep from being paranoid, if the kids are dressed in exactly the right clothes for the weather- nothing too restrictive or binding or loose, THEN there will be smiles and giggles and astonishment and wonder and joy and all the things we hoped for when we decided that this might be a 'great' experience!

school?

I wonder how school will go today. Her room is straight...house semi-clean...I can focus on school. Some days we can get reading, writing, math and history done...Art is always done to some degree...and some days, like yesterday, all we managed were thank you notes from birthday gifts. Writing is hard as she doesn't know how to spell even the simplest of things. When she is in the mood to doodle and write, she writes 'I love you' or cat, mom, dad. It also makes her hand cramp very badly since she uses so much force and holds her pencil strangely. Math is hard. She doesn't seem to remember concepts no matter how many times, ways we review. it's like the first time she's ever heard of money, or time, or the multiplication facts beyond the two's. Reading is getting much better. She will actually try to sound out unfamiliar words now, and when I printed out a list of sight words you should know by fifth grade, she new almost all of them. She still guesses at words that look familiar but are new. For example, if we're reading about schooner's she'll just read 'school'. Or for Abraham, she may say 'alphabet'. She really enjoys historical fiction and would love it if I just read to her all day; which I do spend a great portion of my time doing. We are using a curriculum built around history. She remembers a lot of what we've already covered. She has to be very interested before she can remember...I can relate to that! I tried to sneak a timed math test in the other day and she was so upset about the pressure she could hardly concentrate. She did get 36 problems done (out of about 100) and they were all correct...the ones she answered were all multiplication 0-2. I gave her lots of praise and encouragement, let her know she can accomplish so much when she tries. She seemed to be proud of herself...unfortunately, she was done for the rest of the day! Oh, well. I wonder how school will go today.

Again?!

I'm overreacting again to another soggy bed. It's not that I can't handle the fact that she can't hold her urine at night...not something she can control. what she can control and what makes me so irritated...no..MAD...is that she changed her sheets (didn't want me to know) and didn't put another mattress cover on and now the $300. tempurpedic mattress that she wanted is ruined. Oh, and did I forget to mention that she broke the spotbot and I can't even try to get anything sucked up? And her diaper was full...so that tells me that she had to know sometime during the night that she had to go again and chose not to. But she's faithful to take her bedwetting supplements. I try to explain that no pill can take the place of getting up out of your warm bed and going to the bathroom. Now she's mad that I'm mad and I'm mad that I'm mad. And what happens to the sheets when she changes them you ask? Why they get stuffed into the closet, of course! I'm wondering if this issue will ever be resolved. I have to go help put the room back together again. I will TRY to hold my peace.